I Am Not Alone

I take this blog to be my own personal space.  Its like a notebook in a way but much better formatted and luckily not in my awful handwriting.  A place where I can write about whatever and whoever I chose.  I recognize that is a tricky thing to do given the fact that once I hit the publish button, what I type across this blank sheet will be available for public consumption and thus criticism.  Often people read my "thoughts" and try to dissect exactly what I am thinking.  But that is a risk I am willing to take for the sake of dialogue and conversation.  The main reason for writing is because I recognize that I am not alone. 

I know for sure I am not the only one who goes through the things I go through.  I am positive that I am not the only woman who has fallen in love with a man who was never ever emotionally available to receive the love I developed.  I know for sure I am not the only woman who has had a day looking at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror and not felt as pretty as I know myself to be.  I am confident that I am not the only woman who has held on to a man while not getting my needs met strictly because I was a) too afraid I couldn’t find someone else like him or b) I was too lazy to search/demand what I really wanted/needed from someone else and/or c) I was demonstrating more love for him than I could muster up for myself.  I write because I am not the only woman who has needed to "detox".

I am aware that I am not the only woman who has been a fool when it comes to matters of the heart, forgiven a man when I shouldn’t have and accepting things from a man I claimed I never would have.  I write on this blog because I am sure that I am not the only woman who has looked across at a man I loved and with the clearest of heart and mind, knew he wasn’t good enough for me and stayed anyway.  And further played myself by doubling my effort to make him believe he was better than he was (while he tried to make me believe I wasn't as good as everyone said I was).  I know that I am not the only woman who has loved a worthy man so much it tickled my soul but left him behind in search of something that dressed better, looked better, laid the pipe better and made me feel, well...better.  I am not alone in having questioned whether or not love was "enough".

As a woman, I know that I am not alone in sometimes hating my friends for the dumb things they do, yet supporting them (and sometimes encouraging them) through it anyway.  I recognize that I am not alone in leaning on my friends for the support I have needed throughout my life and also shutting them out when I knew my actions were sub-par.  I am not alone as a woman in having lied to my very best friends (through omission of the truth) in order to avoid the conversations about my decision making in relationships.  I have questioned their sanity as I am sure they have questioned mine and I have been overcritical of their relationship decisions as they have been of mine.  I have loved them dearly through it all. 

I write because I am not alone in my judgment of people for the things they do and my protection of the right I have to feel however I want about the things people do.  I also write because there are times when I am not alone in being a total hypocrite. 

Because I am sure that it is not just me who has felt "misunderstood" by those closest to me and unloved by those who have said it to me many times.  And for the simple fact that I am not alone in destructive, immature and plain old ridiculous behavior to deal with my hurt feelings, I write and I share.  And I plan to share more. 

If for no other reason, I share so that others see it is not just them.  They are not alone either. 

www.twitter.com/impressivet