My Confession: I have a Gender Issue

I really have a gender issue.  I know, that sounds strange, what exactly could my gender issue be?  I am a woman so I identify with being a woman and all that comes along with that.  Simultaneously, I happen to be a woman of color, specifically a Black woman.  I constantly struggle with how I identify myself first and how I believe the world sees me first.  Yes, I know I am both these things at the same time, but when issues arise that impact only women, I find myself slicing through the given issue to relate it to race because I believe that my experience as a black woman is not parallel to those of my white counterparts.  I recall the feeling of total elation that was felt by my white counterparts at the mere thought of Hillary Clinton becoming the first female President.  I recall feeling deep in my heart that it would really have meant much more to me to see a Black man become President before a woman.  I was conflicted then about how I identify myself and wondered, actually questioned, why it is that I have to choose.  And then, there was this controversy with Ann Romney. 

A comment was made about the presumptive Republican Presidential Nominee’s wife, Ann Romney, stating that she has never worked a day in her life.  Somehow that was perceived as an attack on stay at home moms because Ann stayed home and raised her five children.  My uterus did not begin to thump in harmony with those who were outraged about the “attack” on Ann as a representation of an attack on women.  I checked Wikipedia, Ann Romney (occupation listed as Homemaker) married Mitt in 1969 fresh out of college and went on to have 5 children from 1970 to 1981.  She did not work then and did not work in between that time and the time when her husband became Governor.  The pundit who made the comment was correct; Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life as part of the workforce.  Ann Romney did not make a sacrifice to stay home with her children, she relished in the luxury of being married to a multi-millionaire.  Whether she had 1 kid, 5 kids or no kids, she did not ever have to work for a living in order to earn money that her children relied on for food and shelter.  The context in which the commentator made that statement was that this woman, who lived a privileged life all her life, could not identify with or be the voice of women who are facing economic issues and struggle to make ends meet.  It is not to begrudge her privileged life, but let’s not act like this woman hasn’t lived a charmed life financially. 

I don’t identify with Ann Romney for a lot of reasons.  We don’t share political views, we don’t have a shared history in his country and to date, I haven’t married an heir (although its never too late).  That isn’t the conflict for me.  What I struggle with is not only do I not identify with her, but I don’t feel bad for her that she was “attacked.”  I don’t get that urge to defend her because after all we are both women and I don’t feel like an attack on her is an attack on me.  Tried to feel it, but I couldn’t.  All they said about her was that she never worked a day in her life.  That is NOTHING compared to the things they said about Michelle Obama.  Thus the conflict.  People didn’t race to defend Michelle when she was being described as an “angry black woman” among other things.  Michelle, an Ivy League educated successful lawyer AND mother of two, was criticized at every turn for every choice she made up to and including speaking freely about her experiences with real racism in this country.  Michelle as First Lady has to walk a very fine line on what she says and does in order to avoid being labeled as angry.  No one even cares that she managed to be a high powered lawyer (earning more than her husband) and raise two daughters who appear to be the most well-adjusted children we have seen in the White House in decades.  She doesn’t get treated with kid gloves because of that.  She is not the every woman inspiration to all women.  Whether many of my white counterparts would admit it or not, I don’t believe they identify with her either.  And as a woman of color I am positive it is because she is Black. 

The history of this country is one where black mothers ALWAYS worked outside the home.  There wasn’t a time when that wasn’t the normal state of affairs.  Furthermore, when they were working outside the home, it was usually in a role where they tended to the homes and children of their white counterparts who did NOT work even though spending all this time raising someone else’s children was to the detriment of their own children.  It is in fact a luxury through the eyes of black women to be able to stay home and raise your own children without concern for how your bills will be paid.  Our experiences in this country delivered that message loud and clear.

Women weren’t racing to the defense of Michelle Obama when she was under attack because to most she wasn’t a woman, she was a black woman.  And all the labels and insults and garbage hurled at her were met with silence by many non-black women, possibly because they couldn’t identify with who Michelle Obama is.  She wasn’t part of that uterus society that binds us in the solidarity of sisterhood, she was different and maybe a little angry and maybe a little unpatriotic and well just maybe not worthy of defense strictly based on the premise that she was one of US (Uterus Society).  I felt the need to defend Michelle because I saw myself in her.  But what we share has nothing do with our lady parts.  I am connected and bound to her and other people of color because of our shared history and shared experiences of the present.  We are part of that society that isn’t so secret.  It is the one where it takes 45 days for the justice system to acknowledge that someone wrongfully killed a boy because he was a member.  The one where being a member of this society can get you  unjustly shot by the police, disqualified from a job or promotions, followed around a store and targeted to be stopped and frisked.  We are part of the brown society, which has both men and women, one that makes your life an everyday struggle to avoid, combat and overcome the fundamental racism that is alive in this country. We are part of the society where you are expected to be nice, understanding, accommodating, patient, demure and apologetic even when your son is the one laying in the morgue.  In this society, anger, however justifiable, sparks fear in others and it is your job to protect them from their fears. 

I don’t deny there are gender issues in this country.  I don’t deny that women are treated unfairly in many aspects of society.  But I must acknowledge that on the totem pole that is this country, to be a black woman puts me below both white men and white women.  So it is no wonder why I struggle in constant conflict with myself on which group I align myself with first.  The long and sorted history in this country between White men and Black people is easy to identify in the master/slave, oppressor/oppressed relationship.  But what exists in that same history between White women and Black women is a more clouded tale of subliminal yet quite obvious proportions that make it very difficult for us to unite in the US (Uterus Society).  As far back as you look, our experiences haven’t been the same and they are not the same now.  And if we are to be bonded is sisterhood by anything it has to be more than sharing lady parts.