On December 30, 2010, I turned 30.
The very moment the clock struck 12 I was feeling the buzz from several glasses of “test rum punch” for my big birthday bash and eating a fish filet from McDonalds. Nothing super fabulous about that.
But the first person to ask me how I felt about turning 30 as the clock hit 12:01 got back exactly how I was feeling. “Excited, happy, confident, amazed, blessed.” That is exactly how I was feeling about turning 30. And while I had spent the entire year wondering how I would feel about this milestone age, when the moment approached it was more peaceful than I ever imagined it would be.
I realized in the days leading up to my birthday that I had so much to look forward to (up to and including an AMAZING PARTY) and if I decided to do nothing else with my 30’s I decided I would spend them looking forward. For the time spent looking back is often wasted. There is nothing to be done about the days that have gone. There is no change I can do today that would impact yesterday at all. There is no improvement I can make to myself, my life or my circumstances today that would alter anything about my 20’s. Those years are gone. And to them I say, good riddance (and not because they were bad). For me, they were amazing years. I built the foundation of my life in those 10 years and I am proud to say that it is pretty darn solid. There are things about my 20’s that were hard and school/work was not one of them. In my 20’s I had to learn how to stand on my own two feet after being kicked into adulthood far faster and more abruptly than many of my peers. I had to learn how to make serious life decisions with total regard for their long term consequences way faster than many of my peers. In my 20’s I was serious, but not just because I am a serious person but because I had serious circumstances. So when I look back on all I did not do in my 20’s I am happy. For all that I did not do, allowed me to do all that I did.
*que Kanye West – Everything I’m not made me everything I am*
It will also allow me to do all that I will do in the future.
Excuses are for the weak and on some levels so are regrets. I think they are similar in the way that they allow a person to spend far more time on what isn’t which makes for less time spent on what is. There are people who desire to live in regret and excuses because they can spend all their quality brain space living in a place that no longer (and in some case never did) exist. Looking back on what “could have been” affords the luxury of not having to deal with what is. Again I reiterate, what happened yesterday is over. No matter how hard you think about it, ponder it, worry about it, wish over it, nothing you do today will change yesterday. And the longer you fret over the days past, the more you miss the present. For some, that is their exact intention. For me, the second I realized what regret does, I vowed never to sink into the bowels of regret and “what could have been” ever again.
Thankfully I grasped this lesson in the months leading up to this milestone birthday or else 30 could have looked a lot different for me. I am proud of who I am and excited (like genuinely gitty) to see who I will become in the future.
I like me, like seriously enjoy spending time with me, chatting with me and looking at me in the mirror.
And speaking of looking in the mirror, I have embraced myself physically in a way that I didn’t as a teenager and struggled with in my early 20’s. My complexion, my body, my nose, my feet – all things that once made me self conscious are now things I embrace and love (size 11 still drives me nuts in shoe shopping though.)
I understand who I am, flaws and all. And I accept myself as I am, not because I don’t see room for growth but because the first path to growth is first accepting where you are.
Overall, I am pleased with the me I am today. I am confident in the me I am today. I love the me I am today.
Part of loving me is choosing carefully those who I opt to surround myself with. In my 20’s I shed a few friends and as I look toward my 30’s, I am sure that a few more will drop off my radar. I am at such peace with this process that it doesn’t require any more words.
Confidence is key in everything. I am confident that I made some really good decisions in my 20’s. I am confident that the decisions that were bad were necessary to make me a better person. I am confident that I have my integrity in tack, my morals aligned and a heart that is pure. I believe in myself and all that I can do. I also believe in those around me. That is very important to me. I am secure in my decision making, my instincts, my inner voice and my thoughts. So much so that I plan to make far better use of those internal voices than I ever did in my 20’s. I believe they will save me.
Finally, the year leading up to 30 and turning 30 brought a sense of clarity that I believe will only enhance as the days go on. It may sound silly and superficial but part of the clarity I experienced came in the planning of my birthday party. Because I was planning a party, I had to talk a lot about turning 30. And since I had been planning this party since I turned 29, I spent an entire year talking about it. I listened as people in my life provide their feedback on turning 30. I paid close attention as those around me sought to project their own feelings, both negative and positive, about turning 30 on to me. Some had already done it and offered words of wisdom which were valuable and sacred. I thank them for that. Some had not so great words for 30, all of which I made it my business to ignore. I was determined to turn 30 in a spirit of happiness, peace and positivity. I am happy to say, I did just that.
Do I still wonder when/if I will get married/have children? Of course. Do I still wonder where my career will go and what I will do next? Absolutely. But I don’t allow that wonder to define me or my experience on a daily basis. It would cheapen every day I live on this earth if I couldn’t be grateful to God for all the blessings he HAS given me and will continue to give me. What type of life would I have if I spent all my time lusting after what I don’t have? I will tell you, a pretty depressing one!
I am 30 and my very own unique version of fabulous. There is nothing sad, depressing or down about that. I am blessed to be here and abundantly cheerful to see the next decade through. I’ve tossed my 20’s over my shoulders and stepped into my 30’s ready, willing and able to live my best life!
~Maliek~
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