"Losing a loved one is like breaking a bone, if the bone isn't set properly it will eventually heal on its own, but it will cause pain throughout the rest of your life. To ease the pain you have break the bone again and reset it properly." – Hope Edelman
Dear Mommy,
I decided to write to you today, instead of tomorrow because I didn’t want to talk to you on that day. Tomorrow you will be gone 10 years - that is unbelievable to me. It would seem cliché to talk to you tomorrow, so I will talk to you today.
Some people don’t understand what it means to me on a daily basis that you are not here. Sometimes it is hard for folks to comprehend what it is like to walk around every day with a piece of yourself gone. Some people have taken the position that by now, ten years later, I should be “used” to you being gone. Don’t worry Mommy, they don’t actually say those words to me, but I can tell that is what they think. But every single day I wake up I remember you aren’t here. Every time I walk alone in my silence, I think about what my life would be like if you were here. I miss the sound of your voice, the smell of your perfume, the feeling of your love. There is nothing like the unconditional love that I received from you. I know for sure, now that you are gone, there is no other love like it. To live and grow for the last 10 years without the unconditional love that only came from you has been tremendous torture. You have been on this ride with me, so you know that I have managed. I have done all the things that I know would make you proud (and some things I was hoping you weren’t watching). But in my heart mommy, I hold tightly to the pain. I can hear you now, “Maliek Katel, you can’t just hold on to me, you have to let me go.” But on this one mommy, I have to say no. I can’t let go of the pain because it is so real and in some twisted way it makes you real. The closest I can get to you is that deep place of pain that I go to every now and then when keeping up the brave face just becomes too much to do. I get close to you at night when I lay awake too sad to sleep because I miss you so much. I get close to you when I spend hours on end racking my brain to recreate various moments in our life together. I get close to you when I play out moments and decisions in my life now and try to imagine what you would say or do. Yes it has been ten years but I cannot and will not let you go.
You did this mommy. You knew me. So when I would cry over everything, you wouldn’t ridicule me because you understood my sensitivity. So much so, you were even aware of that sensitivity in the midst of your anger. You allowed me to live in my imagination as long as it didn’t cross over into lies. You told me over and over again, “Maliek is a fine name, I love it – so what people say it is a boy’s name.” You indulged me, even when it didn’t appear necessary to those on the outside looking in. You knew me and you loved me, not just because I was your daughter but because you loved me personally. How is a girl supposed to go on in life without that?
I still find days like today where I can border on anger. I am angry with you because you aren’t here, although I know you would be here if you could. I am angry with myself for being angry and sometimes I get angry at myself for being happy. Because yes Mommy, there are people in my life now that make me very happy and sometimes I get upset with myself for having the nerve to be happy without you.
Dear Mommy,
I decided to write to you today, instead of tomorrow because I didn’t want to talk to you on that day. Tomorrow you will be gone 10 years - that is unbelievable to me. It would seem cliché to talk to you tomorrow, so I will talk to you today.
Some people don’t understand what it means to me on a daily basis that you are not here. Sometimes it is hard for folks to comprehend what it is like to walk around every day with a piece of yourself gone. Some people have taken the position that by now, ten years later, I should be “used” to you being gone. Don’t worry Mommy, they don’t actually say those words to me, but I can tell that is what they think. But every single day I wake up I remember you aren’t here. Every time I walk alone in my silence, I think about what my life would be like if you were here. I miss the sound of your voice, the smell of your perfume, the feeling of your love. There is nothing like the unconditional love that I received from you. I know for sure, now that you are gone, there is no other love like it. To live and grow for the last 10 years without the unconditional love that only came from you has been tremendous torture. You have been on this ride with me, so you know that I have managed. I have done all the things that I know would make you proud (and some things I was hoping you weren’t watching). But in my heart mommy, I hold tightly to the pain. I can hear you now, “Maliek Katel, you can’t just hold on to me, you have to let me go.” But on this one mommy, I have to say no. I can’t let go of the pain because it is so real and in some twisted way it makes you real. The closest I can get to you is that deep place of pain that I go to every now and then when keeping up the brave face just becomes too much to do. I get close to you at night when I lay awake too sad to sleep because I miss you so much. I get close to you when I spend hours on end racking my brain to recreate various moments in our life together. I get close to you when I play out moments and decisions in my life now and try to imagine what you would say or do. Yes it has been ten years but I cannot and will not let you go.
You did this mommy. You knew me. So when I would cry over everything, you wouldn’t ridicule me because you understood my sensitivity. So much so, you were even aware of that sensitivity in the midst of your anger. You allowed me to live in my imagination as long as it didn’t cross over into lies. You told me over and over again, “Maliek is a fine name, I love it – so what people say it is a boy’s name.” You indulged me, even when it didn’t appear necessary to those on the outside looking in. You knew me and you loved me, not just because I was your daughter but because you loved me personally. How is a girl supposed to go on in life without that?
I still find days like today where I can border on anger. I am angry with you because you aren’t here, although I know you would be here if you could. I am angry with myself for being angry and sometimes I get angry at myself for being happy. Because yes Mommy, there are people in my life now that make me very happy and sometimes I get upset with myself for having the nerve to be happy without you.
But honestly Mommy, there is nothing more clear to me today, on the eve of 10 years you being gone, than the fact that the impact of your loss in my life is no less painful today than it was 10 years ago. The biggest difference is this, back then I didn’t think I would make it 10 years without you. Now, 10 years later I know that I will.
I am sure now, that 10 years later and 10 years from now and 10 years from then, I will be missing you, needing you and loving you always. I am sure now, the piece of my heart that is broken will never heal because you will never be back here with me. I am also sure that with this broken heart I must continue to go on and live because every day that I live, you live through me.
10 years, 10 days, 10 minutes or 10 seconds – all are too long for you to be gone.
I miss you today and every single day of my life.
RIP – Kerry Lynn Branch – 3/6/55 – 10/6/00
1 comment:
Hey Honey, beautiful letter to a beautiful mom.
I, like many of your friends, wish I could take away the pain.
Reading your posts has inspired me to be a better mom to Noah. Thank you.
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