I have been heavily considering this whole turning 30 thing. Check out Part 1 http://naturallyimpressivethoughts.blogspot.com/2010/06/29now-what.html
Here is the update…more to come in the next 5 months….
I have been 29 for almost 7 months now. I have been reflecting on what this upcoming 30th birthday will mean to me. Mulling it over for the last 7 months has caused me a bit of anxiety and given me a great deal of material to write about. I have watched a few of my peers turn 30, most haven’t been very verbal about how they felt about hitting the milestone that is driving me nuts. But then again, I thrive on writing about all the insanity that goes on in my head, better on paper than just swishing around in my brain!
My biggest issue with turning 30 is dealing with the mixed bag emotions about my current state of matrimony. Now I know this can sound a bit redundant and kind of self indulgent but it is how I feel. One of the perks of being 29 going on 30 is the acceptance of how I feel and the honest way in which I will share those feelings (it’s quite liberating). Some days I am totally bummed by the fact that I will reach 30 and not be married. Other days, I think, I had no one that I wanted to marry, so why am I bummed? I heard recently from those who read the book “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert, the biggest deal women in this country have about marriage is the process requires that you are “chosen.” So those who are not married, or have never been asked to be married are left wondering, why hasn’t someone chosen me? I would be lying if I said I don’t have that thought. I think I am pretty damn awesome. So if life is about being picked for the league of marriage, why the hell hasn’t someone picked me? I mean just because I didn’t come out of college and go straight into the marriage draft, decided to work a few years to hone myself and my skills that will make a better team player, am I now damaged goods and not sought after in the draft? Yes, being out here in the single girl world has left some scars and on some levels I am a player in the game that has some years and injuries under my belt, but isn’t that experience and resilience supposed to make me a better pick? Is there no benefit to knowing exactly who I am and what I want out of marriage? I am sure had I gotten married when I was 23, I would be divorced right now. Because the girl I was at 23 is not the same as the woman I am at 29. 6 years made a world of difference in the woman I became and that woman would not want to be married to the same guy for the same reasons. Me at 23 wasn’t even that clear on who I was, let alone what I brought to the table in a partnership. Me at 29 is sure of things about myself that I would like to see change and even more secure in the things about myself that I know will never change. Me at 29 doesn’t want to be completed by marriage, I want to be enhanced by it. Me at 23 was looking for the missing piece of the puzzle. So on some levels I am glad no one chose me at 23, but dammit, I have done the hard work as to not have a starter marriage under my belt. I’m ready for the league, draft me already!!!
Now I know I have just committed the cardinal sin of SBW by admitting that I would like to be chosen, picked or drafted by a black man to be his wife, but it is how I feel (back to the honesty, can’t help it these days). So as I approach 30, I wonder if I will ever be chosen. Or will the years continue to pass, the pool continue to shrink and my chances become next to none of being chosen? This is what my head becomes consumed with some days. I am less concerned about the baby because truth be told, if I really wanted one of those, I would have no problem getting one. But this husband thing, it really bugs me and is a great source of my anxiety about turning 30. How the hell did I make it through my entire 20’s without being picked?
~Maliek~
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3 comments:
7 days & counting...I think I am driving myself crazy ;)...Well I guess I could have picked only 1 of the 5 proposals & be content 2day (But I doubt I would seriously be happy)...We make our choices & have 2 live by them. U have done nothing wrong! Unless u would rather b apart of the high divorce rate, the single crowd aint that bad...Know we can do the picking 2...it's an even playing field...Play the game 2 get what U want & as long as u can look n that mirror everyday & b A OK with the decisions u've made than u'll b just fine!!!
Girl,my thought were consumed with all of the things you mentioned during the months before my 30th birthday.And the day after my 30th birthday,after I sobered up,I felt silly.Why you ask?Because I was 30+1 day and was still in the same boat prior to the "big day" speaking from experience,I can tell u that when u hit 30 and assess your current situation,you will still worry a little,but slowly u will adopt the"it is what it is" attitude.I did all of this soul searching..worrying..questioning,etc.And none of that changed anything!Smh.I can tell you this though: You will not have the tolerance for B.S as u once did.When u tell ppl:"I'm 30",u will feel,literaaly like "grown ass woman" on a mission!Does marriage,babies,etc cross my mind from time to time?Uh, yeah.But I don't let consume my thoughts.I look around.I see the candidates.I see the married ppl.I see the un-wed women with children.I see the homosexual/lesbian couples.Some look happy.Some look annoyed.Some look like they're "dealing with".And then I look @ myself,and I realize,I can only handle today.Yesterday is gone.Tomorrow is not promised.Why drive myself crazy?(As your thought of the day stated).In conclusion,I may get pregnant and become a un-wed mother..oh well,a baby was one of the things on my "I want" list.I may get married soon and have trouble getting pregnant..oh well,it was on the list,right? So at the end of the day, I accept everyday that is given to me with open arms.I deal with what comes my way on MY terms.I'm 31 now and I feel so free,happy,fulfilled and grown!I don't entertain what my friends and family "think" I should be doing or where they think I should be as far as career and marriage.I'm in total control!And that my dear friend is one of the many perks of turning 30.
I remember these days. Like you I was filled with anxiety about why I wasn't married at 30 or at least getting the proposal from the man that I was in a relationship with at the time. It didn't happen with him, and at age 48 it hasn't happened with anyone. When I look back now, I think it was a good idea for me not to have been "chosen" by that man that I was with or any other one for that matter. At this point in my life I've had time to marinate in what I've learned and experienced as a woman, and now I am a GROWN woman who has a lot more to offer at this age than I did at 30, or even 35.
Do I wish I was married? Absolutely. The difference now is that I don't obsess about it now the way I did then. At that time, a lot of my friends were married with children or having them. At this age and still unmarried, I have grown quite comfortable with who I am and what I have become. At times I think to myself, a man that "chooses" me now will be making a damn good choice!!
I have enjoyed my 40's in ways that I never enjoyed my 20's and 30's. In my 'early years' not only was I consumed with not being married and having children, I was also trying to build a career. Looking back, I think I could be much more PRESENT in a relationship now than I ever could back then.
LIVE, LAUGH, and LOVE when you get in your 30's. With any luck you'll find that man. If not, then live, laugh, and love your 40's and the other decades to come. Find your happiness wherever you find it with or without that man.
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