There is no shame in this, yet when asked why I am having surgery, I feel a sense of embarrassment. There are so many things that define what it means to be a woman. And on any given day something different can be used as a defining factor that make one a woman. Yet few are greater than the existence of a working uterus. Today I am having major surgery to remove two tennis ball size fibroids from my uterus (and whatever else they find in there that is giving me tremendous pain). There is no reason why women have fibroids and some stats say that 80-85% of Black women have at least one fibroid. Some think it could be diet, stress, genetics or a combination of it all. But when a doctor can't tell you why your uterus is littered with massive growths, it is easy to begin to look inward and question what you may have done to cause your body to turn on you in such a way.
Women with fibroids have healthy pregnancies and births all the time. The desire for a baby is not a factor in my decision/requirement (I got back and forth on this) to have this surgery. Pain is the main factor in this decision. The unbearable, piercing, ridiculous pain that I've endured for the last year due to these two masses. The pressure the weight of them puts on my other organs is tremendous and they are taking up space where they don't belong. Trust me when I tell you, I considered opting out of the surgery and dealing with the pain. I figured, I am a trooper, I can take it. I was rationalizing with myself how strong I must be because I don't even take any pain meds, so if it gets worse ill just take something. That never happened (too much fear of dependency). It wasn't until I realized how uncomfortable my pain was making everyone around me that I really considered the surgery seriously (its the sociology minor in me).
If people actually care about you, watching you doubled over in Home Depot with all the color drained from your skin from a stabbing pain in your abdomen is a cause for great concern. Yet in these moments I would seriously try to act like that was normal (I know, its crazy). I seriously held a full conversation as I curled up on my living floor paralyzed with pain. Let's just say the person on the couch was in total disbelief. Yet I was determined to avoid surgery. The pain would come and go. Unfortunately it would come 90% of the time. Everyday of the month, any hour of the day. With the potential for irreversible damage to several major organs from these masses that I finally conceded, surgery would be necessary to save my quality of life.
As I struggled with the requirement of surgery, I began to feel out of control. I usually feel in control of what happens to me, especially with my body. To know that I had no control over these growths was one thing, to relinquish my entire body to the hands of my surgeon was a whole other thing. Anxiety doesn't begin to describe what I felt leading up to this. All the things that can go wrong in any major surgery ran through my head, the additional things that can go wrong during surgery on my uterus could mean the elimination of choices I haven't gotten a chance to make.
But focusing on the negatives isn't going to get me through what is going to be a very physically challenging 2-3 days in the hospital and over the next 4-6 weeks. There are positives here, silver linings of sorts, the best of all being the elimination of pain. I mean I don’t remember what life was like when I didn’t have stabbing pain in my abdomen daily or sharp pain shooting down my leg because the fibroid was sitting up the wrong nerve. I cant recall the time when having a full bladder didn’t put me in devastating pain or when I wasn’t awoken from my sleep feeling like someone had kicked me in the gut. So the removal of these pesky (non-cancerous) tumors will return my life to a pain free existence. That is a huge benefit.
I am frightened and worried about getting through this surgery today. I am aware of the support I have had through this process and so very grateful for the network of loving people who have been there for me through my crazy moments and will be there supporting me through my recovery. As I make my way to the hospital this morning, I do so with the blessings of those who love me and the favor of God to get me through. I also walk with the understanding that these fibroids don’t define me. Whether in or out, what makes me a woman is so dynamic and fascinating that it cant be restricted to one thing. Not even one (or two in this case) fibroids.
~Maliek~
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