It is as simple as takeout...

In she walked with a box of takeout. She didn't say a word; she just looked at me and placed the box on the counter. The smile was so simple, not over the top. Her attention, her eyes were directly on me, despite the chaos going on around us. Kids were jumping up and down, the faucet was running, dogs were zipping past my feet and there she stood unfazed by it all. I was in a panic, so many things to do and not enough time to any of it. I was trying desperately to get dinner on the table and just like that she walked in with takeout.

Her skirt was past her knee and flowing as if the wind was blowing gently around her. For me, the heat was unbearable, sweat pouring down my back. I kept looking around to see if the chaos had stopped but it was only getting worst. For her it wasn't a big deal, nothing she couldn't handle. When my eyes met hers my heart began to race. How could she be standing here in the midst of my chaos, kids jumping at my feet, dog barking, faucet running. Yet as she got closer to me, an overwhelming sense of calm came over me, for her mere presence in the midst of the storm made me feel safe again. She approached and I picked up the baby. She got closer and I spun around and simply turned off the faucet. Oh and right when she was in arms reach, the dog simply sat down. She gently placed the takeout on the counter, wrapped her arms around me with a hug that covered my entire soul.

I closed my eyes tight during this hug in order to savor it and when my eyes opened there was that ceiling fan, spinning gently, the TV playing the 100th episode of Family Guy and me alone in the bed, no baby, no faucet, no dog and no her. I waited, trying to see if there was anything real about what I felt, then I placed my hand on my chest to check my heart, it was no longer racing….

The natural order of life is for parents to die before their children. So I must find comfort in the fact that my life is happening in the "Natural" order. I was not a child when either of my parents died so one would say "Thank you for the small blessings". But I don't say that lightly. I know that I have been BLESSED and HIGHLY favored in this life. I had the gift of an amazing mother whose love and guidance molded me into the woman I am today. She was not an easy mother by any means. I think my left ear still rings from time to time from that slap she gave me. But she was a loving mother who believed in me. She also accepted me for me. When people would ridicule me about being a crybaby as a child, she would pull me close to her and say that I was just sensitive. Its like she knew her child and that was that. (I am sensitive!!!) And when people would say my sister was fresh or spoke up too much, she ALWAYS came to her defense saying that her child simply needed to say what was on her mind and as long as she wasn't being disrespectful, it was fine. (My sister still says what she is thinking, most of the time!) She made us independent of the world but dependent on her for the safety and shelter to be ourselves. No one else had to take us for who we were, "Fuck those people" is a line she frequently used. Too bad she isn't still here to provide that safe haven. Another line she used alot was "Maliek, that is your father" to shut me down about any attitude or problem I was having with the other half of my creative equation. You see Daddy was a different kind of parent. One who every girl needs in their life but cant truly appreciate until they are grown. My Daddy, also gone far too soon, loved his children. Two daughters must have been a product of God's sense of humor for this man of 6'3 & 300lbs. You want to see a man that big turn into mush....place his two daughter in front of him. You see my parents picked opposites in each other. My mother loved and also had a stern hand to rear the children. My father loved and knew the mother would do all the dirty work. My father's love made me feel like no other love could top it. He made me feel like the highest being on earth and even when that love became overprotective through the teenage years, it always made me feel like I floated above the ground and people should treat me accordingly. (I had Mommy at home to bring me down to earth!) My Daddy was never a man whore, he never drank and he never smoked. (Well at least while I knew him) None of my Uncles did, they were men! When I thought of men, honorable men who emphatically took care of their children without any doubt, I thought of them. Even when I didn't agree with everything my father did, I knew at the core, he loved me so deeply and no other mans love would ever trump that! My Daddy didn't always listen to his girls but that was because he was a man and they don't always listen. I don't fault him for that. I loved him in the adoring way that daughters love their dads and I will never loose that feeling.

I am honored to be the product of Kerry Lynn and Ali Malik, we were all a perfect match for each other, put together and separated by the great design of God. My daddy's death sent my emotions into great chaos, but the calming spirit of my mother showed up in my dreams to sooth and nurture. I am confident they are both co parenting from that other place, ready and willing to join me in my dreams to be an everlasting presence in my reality.